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Love · me · or · exit · my · mind.


So, this is my life. And i want you to know that I am both happy and sad...

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 I never doubted even for a moment that he was my soulmate 
We locked eyes at Burning Man, our spirits doing a little dance with each other until our bodies caught up. It was the stuff of pure magic. Being thrown into the deep end and swimming beautifully together, in the spirits of our full potential. We've been flailing in the kiddie pool since leaving La Playa... sometimes touching the floor isn't so great. so grounding. so serious. so sacrificing. so confused. so stoned. so frozen with our own fears of succumbing to our differences, frozen in space, frozen in denial. but not always, since it is us, and our roots are so pure and connected , we had so many moments of pure perfection. recreating this perfection meant, for us, sacrificing what we loved most- our alone ness. At the core we recognized our connectedness, our oneness, our purity and desire to learn-- which is why fighting tore our spirits apart. 

Of course I don't want to be without josh. I always knew I never would. but I always suspected he would be the one who got away. Who was perfect in every way, but just not for me. Who will be a great teacher, and the one every poor schmuck after will have the misfortune of trying to live up to. 
 
But it's not like I didn't know it.  At the end of my bird's flight was one card: aloneness. Rest in the fullness of who you are right now. Who I am right now... full of light, full of potential, full of love. 
 
I would love to dance and find the lessons of love with Josh, my very own infinity. I watched him transform before my eyes. And now I recognize that it might be time to feel him transform before my heart. He need to travel, he needs to create art, he needs to create great music, cultivate great ideas, burst out of the ceiling the genius that he is. And I've finally accepted that the complacent fear-based weight of this relationship won't let either of us thrive. 
 
He is who he is. he isn't the type to change, but to root and grow stronger and better at being him. and he is the most intelligent man I've ever met. the most gorgeous man I've been with. The best lover I've ever ever been with. He's a man. strong, committed, grounded, loving, cuddly, responsible, thoughtful, comfortable to be around, skilled, and absolutely divinely spiritual. He is a spiritual being grappling with this human body, and with all of the dreams being passed to him from his ancestors and his past. I love him for all his traits and how he was the one who reminded me of the beauty of mind. I got so swept up in feeling, in heart, in intuition, I forgot how important this brain is too. How important it is to think of each step, to assign order to chaos, to have expectations, and to show up. 
 
We broke up even though I still absolutely believe in the dream. I still think we may live happily ever, because it is a vision I've had since meeting him. Having babies, making a nest, growing old. but all these things are in my distant future, and he deserves to have them with the best possible person who brings out his most highest potential. I've always known I was going to be a woman, well into my thirties, before having my first baby. And he is 31, already expressing desire to do it sooner. He just started his career, and will continue to become more and more grounded into a life I know nothing about. 

and I will continue to probably feel more and more overwhelmed with this paradigm, this destruction of community and our roots. I will do the best I can in helping the pain and suffering, but eventually- I will fully rebel from the controlling distraction of technology, media, complacence. and I have a feeling that this won't be my first or last break up in which I choose our own individual greatness over staying together. Just because it was worth it, does not mean it should last.
 
I know his virtues are true, and absolutely  valuable. 
 
but I cannot hold space for all the things that I find lacking. I need to fly free, express myself, talk to whomever, and I felt being in a relationship to be a struggle that I desperately didn't want. I wanted so badly to just slip into that role, and especially since I never wanted to be with anyone else . But living in fear of disappointing someone.... I needed to be free of this paradigm. 
 
In his eyes, I was trying to change him. In my eyes, of course I want him to live up to his highest, most loving potential. If breaking a habit, even momentarily, may mean it's better for your body, your spirit, your karma, why not do it? and as much as I tried to accept him, and not nag him, I felt the separation of the smallest values that were very important to me. Holding your own space, fitting in anywhere, loving every creature through all your actions. Being positive, being optimistic, having fits of laughter... they are all important to me, and I too often felt I was overcompensating in these traits to make up for what he lacked. and then eventually, "fuck it. bring your own damn happiness to the table." which meant not even being happy for myself, because I was too caught up in not wanting our differences to tear us apart, yet obsessing about them at the same time. 

When he suggested couple's therapy, I knew he would never leave me. couples therapy isn't to help them stay together, it's to help them leave. and I do not need another person to make me realize how much I love this man, enough to walk away, enough to set us both free from the chains of patterns. Nobody has to tell me how to respect him, because he deserves everything I could give him. every ounce of love and respect I could muster up for his beautiful soul, he has it. I am thankful for a mature and amicable break up, and am grateful to all the stars for bringing him into my life. But nothing is more annoying than a girl who doesn't know what she wants. I know now.
 
I need to be: 
happy and laughing every day. 
sexual. and feeling the freedom to express this. 
with someone who feels I am supporting their greatness, not stiffling it. 
with someone who can absolutely hold their own space, and doesn't need a thing for me. 
 
 
He never needed me, and I never needed him. In fact, relationships are nerve-wracking and I could feel it. I didn't want anybody, but I was still terrified that I would somehow ruin it. maybe my next one should be an open relationship? 
He said he didn't know why he couldn't learn from me anymore. and i knew why. but how could i explain it without feeling like im faulting him. and why would I want to be with someone who doesnt' want to learn from me anyway? I knew this relationship was not working, and needed change, but I actually thought we were doing better. when i realized he feels I want to change him, that he can't learn from me,  and that he felt we needed couples therapy to work this out... I knew it was time to bow out as gracefully as possible. I cant change someone, I know that. I'm a yoga teacher with a stubborn corporate tech genius, who knows everything and is just going to grow stronger in it. Later, He said I taught him unconditional love and how not to be begrudging toward everybody who has hurt him. and if that's what i taught him... hell, what more can I ask for?! that's a beautiful gift to add to his life, and I absolutely cannot want anything for him but the best. 
 
 I often felt like a trainwreck next to him. and now I'm remembering that I am amazing, and full of light , and wanting to take over the world. I hear the gypsy bells often, and wondered if my issues with him had nothing to do with him... and everything to do with the fact that I was ignoring my gypsy bells. trading them in for comfort and pretending to lead a normal life. knowing that i'm not normal, I can have anything I want, and It's time to fucking choose.  
 
Maybe my dream with come true with him. We will get what we need, grow, be the best in our own spirits, and then see if they want to dance again. 
But a part of me knows i'll transform back into a leaf, and he will marry the next girl he meets... carry on his 9-5, become wildly successful while also pursuing his amazing side projects, but start a family, a life, vacation a few times a year at best, and remember the time he dated that wild exotic erotic hippie mirage. 
 
and i hope that he'll remember that he holds a part of my heart in his chest. and I hope he recognized that our story is fucking perfect and fits into the scheme of life exactly as it was supposed to. that both of us are golden and not flawed at all.
Current Mood:
thankful thankful
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Dance half naked in the streets.

Get lightly whipped in the streets.

Live in Italy for a year.

Marathon date while you're there... and pretend to like it!

Travel to Croatia alone.

Swing off some rope into the river of Bosnia

Float with river snakes

Learn to make Cannolis

Learn to love yourself. Com-fucking-pletely. and give gratitude for the opportunity for the journey.

Hug Every.one.person.

When all else fails, wink.

Say "I hate you with all my guts." because its better than arguing for 3 hours.

Snuggle.

Wrap your arms and legs around me and laugh.

Sleep in a car in Germany for Oktoberfest

Dodge popping champagne bottles in Barcelona for 01.01.2008, all while laughing hysterically and passing that joint

Go to Reggae on the river.

Ride as many ferries as possible.

Have moments.

Stay up all night in Paris.

Dance in the sand and count falling stars in Mykonos.

Party with the fuckin' Mafia in Athens. (theyre sweeter than you'd think)

Come back to the city by the bay, only to live in a garden's shed in berkeley.

Tell someone they're a dick.

Dance anyways.

Love who you want.

Masturbate. Often.

Wear what you want, but do it with dignity.


Go to Burning Man. (oh wait ...that's next)
Current Mood:
peaceful peaceful
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3 months left.

thats what.. 90ish days? plus two weeks of traveling. plus 20 hours of panic attack about not wanting to leave Italy. plus about 4 really excited hours to go back to SF.


I've come to realize that I'm the type of girl who can fall in love and get her heart broken within the span of a week.
...and I love it.

Because, face it, it's so much more fun.


What would they say if I never came back? They would ask all these insane questions. They would call me crazy, irresponsible, selfish. I would say... you don't know me anymore. hell, I don't know me anymore. (I'd come home for my grandmother, though. )

But, lets face it, it's so much more fun this way.


I could think about all those things I'm missing: burritos, good concerts, big beds, speaking the same language as the rest of the country you're living in, big cars, big streets, selfish people, driving everywhere, artificial food, mommy, cable tv, the bart, folsom street fair (aww, i really do miss that), The Love Parade, Hippie Hill, REAL Weed and not Hash, hippies, fake meat, the pork store, thai food, ethnic food in general, making love with people who speak the same language as you....


and I think: hell, those things will be there later.


(and, i'll admit, so will europe... but i'm here now)
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
Radiohead, Reckoner
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Prettiest song I've heard in a while: http://www.myspace.com/boniver  Skinny Love 

How is it that some men can be worse to quit than Cigarettes? 

I can't quit him, I can't stop talking to him, I can't stop loving him... 
but I really want to. 

But Not enough. Apparently. 

I must swallow this all, I must learn to deal. 

Yes, Italy you're beautiful. Yes, Statue, you're a genius. Yes, Regina, you need to figure out how to best utilize your time. Yes, you're probably wasting your time right now.  Yes, you're feeling down. Yes, you need to get over it. Yes, no one wants to hear a whiner. 

So you breathe, put on a mask,  go about your day. 



* * *

What's the word to describe the intense emptiness in which you can only feel the movement of energy?

Do you wallow or pick yourself up instantly to move on?

Why can't words completely describe all the beauty, the lessons, the passion-filled moments, the incredible experiences?

How can two little words completely crush all the happiness and hopes of dreams?

It doesn't seem fair.

It doesn't matter if it's fair.

All that matters is... Sicilian Cannolis are only $2 down the street. Everywhere I turn with a frown, someone's there to give me a hug. I wish I could tell you how amazing it is...


Jeff and I, after 13 months, are officially over. We broke up, incredibly mutual, in Spain. I really thought it would be happily ever after. Luckily, its hard to  be too sad in Italy. 

shrug
But it's definitely too possible. 

Life's just silly...

* * *
* * *
Me: what am i good at?
Mikie (high school sweetheart): loving... in the pure sence, not neccesarrily sex but, you're good at showing it
Me: what? seriously?


____________________________________________________


Work has been hard, but it's getting better.
Life has been hard, but it's sort of getting better.
This break up has been my most difficult one I've gone through, and, well... yeah.


(and I don't really want to go to Italy anymore)

Current Mood:
numb numb
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Is almost as cool as 












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Dj Dan 
Kaskade
Benny Benassi 
Diesel Boy
Deep Voices
Dom & Roland 
Infected Mushroom 

More MDMA(cut w/ speed) 

+ making out and dancing in perfect groove, swing and rhythm with your boyfriend (you know, Versus making out and dancing with 30+ people... :sigh:...) 

+ saying the three words 

Not..that... bad 

I actually had a blast... again.

* * *



- I spend way too much time stoned/drunk at Golden Gate Park, specifically Hippie Hill. It's gotten so bad I even have a posse and people expect me by name 

-It's also gotten so bad that I met my current boyfriend there,  who I might be falling in love with (but don't tell him that...)  Jeffrey Curtis is a white musician who is actually clinically psychotic. Loving a challenge, a good fuck, a warm heart and a cuddle, we're going on 4 months strong. (or, well, you know, semi-strong?) 



Ignore the picture of me, my side profile sucks and I'm eating a pot brownie. 

-I have quit CIC, quit Nordstrom and Quit babysitting. I am now only doing school and I'm not even doing that very well. 

- Regardless, I am happy. I have the cutest victorian house in the world, the best bedroom and looking around, I am exactly where I've always wanted to be. 


- I do this ultra-meditative Kundalini yoga often and it's done loads for my life. I've stopped drinking really, I'm still vegetarian, stopped smoking, stopped casual sexing (obviously- though I do miss it sometimes). 
-This relationship is the only thing tumultous in my life and even then, it's the only thing I want at the end of the day. He's taught me to be honest to others and myself, calls me on my shit and constantly checks in on me -to the point of aggrivation- I don't know if it's right for me and I find myself asking way too often "is this working?" There comes a point to throw in the towel, look out for myself, get my life back. Then you look to the right and realize that you're a team, you love each other (even though you won't admit it) and you owe it to at least give it *one* more shot. Moments later, I'm watching him fall into sleep, holding tightly to my hand and I realize with a chest full of lead "I love you." I start to say it and stop myself. 
I say it's because I don't believe in it, because I believe people only say it to get it back, because I believe people too often throw the phrase around... 
but that's only partly true. 
we all know the reason why I really won't say it. 

 
-As I was writing that, I get a message from him saying "I am sorry if I ever hurt you"



Life.. it ain't easy. But is sure is beautiful. 



Love,


Current Mood:
peaceful peaceful
Current Music:
Gobinday Mukhanday
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How do you bottle up all the fights, the words, all the names, all the thoughts of an end and make sense of the cuddles, the giggles, the passion, the beauty of a relationship? Bottom line: I've gone too far avoiding __________ and jumped into a rather serious relationship with someone who desperately declares _________ from me. I am crazy about Jeff and it's gone so fast that there's a lot I've failed to comprehend. b
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